There has been a lot of tests this weekend, and I am amazed it didn’t break me, because today sitting in bed with my wheelchair over in the workshop, it wouldn’t have taken much to make me just scream.
I don’t often get to the point of being fed up, but it came close today.
But, with my wheelchair fixed and all in readiness, tomorrow I return to Wintec.
I am so excited to be back, looking forward to the distraction it will give, but I am also terrified to face people in a way.
I wish I was going back there with my relationship stronger than ever, not over completely. I make it sound like I never wanted it to end to save face, or to look good for other people, maybe even to self heighten my own attitudes, but honestly I just felt so much cooler with a girlfriend. I felt like I was finally “there”, and everyone saw it each and everyday. And if they didn’t, they should have.
I want people to see that I am just as strong now, stronger even, but inside I feel weaker, weaker but more determined, sad and angry at this new reality, still adjusting to not hearing from her or texting her every day, these things had become the norm, all these things that I’d become used to over the last few months, now gone.
A lot of people may read this and get perhaps a little angry at me for continuing to fester on these emotions, but for me it is so real, and no one could possibly understand just how much I loved having a girlfriend, just how much I loved our relationship, and just how hard it is to accept that it’s over. I feel like I finally got there, and it was so amazing, and now it’s gone, and with it has a little of the faith I had in myself. You could sit around and ask yourself what you could have done better, but there wasn’t a single thing I didn’t put into this, and it was all for the good.
When you live life on what is becoming more and more clearer to be borrowed time, you’re damn sure going to try and hold onto all that’s good, and with her there was nothing more good, and nothing more enjoyable and comforting. It didn’t matter what my disability was doing that day, it all went away with her and all the cool things we did, and it angers me greatly that I put all this energy into that, almost let it become such a big deal, because if the relationship ended (which it has) there is nothing but rebuilding to do.
This isn’t meant to make anybody feel guilty either, and if that is the reaction then clearly this blog isn’t being read the way it was intended when written.
I guess that rebuilding, grieving, and changed senses of reality come hand in hand with broken relationships.
The thing that sucks the most is that this is no ones fault, and it is for the better. I’ve always been a person who has rebelled against change, even if I know it is for the best, and I’ve always bitched and moaned at first, then once the change has kicked in, become ok with it. I hope that happens here.
So finally, I just want to thank everybody again who has offered me their ear, support, love, and guidance this week. I cannot express how thankful I am, and I am now more determined than ever to succeed at Wintec, in my love life, and against this disability. I promise you this isn’t the end, it won’t be the first and last, and I am not about to get myself bogged down over this. I also won’t promise that it isn’t going to be tough, there will be days when I will reflect and perhaps be angry and resentful, but at the end of the day disability or not I am a human being, and no human being is ever perfect.
Basically, I want to take out any frustration, sadness, and sense of loss over this relationship that I am feeling on my studies, and have the best semester and the best marks and results possible. Only that will satisfy me. The rest will come in time.
No coffee’s will change anything, I can’t ever go back there. That’s the harshest reality of them all, but it fuels me to move forward and defy myself, not my critics, myself. Because the me of old would sit around and obsess about this, but the me of today isn’t the same person, he is so much better and I proved that these past few months.
I don’t want to be a one hit wonder in love, I want to get more A’s in class, and I am simply not satisfied of my current place in this world. I want to change the world, because there is so much I don’t like about it, and I can’t just sit idly by and watch more and more people struggle, because they shouldn’t have to. The saying “it’s just life” is a very true one, but it isn’t a way to just accept our current situations either. You want change? Go and make change, change your world by being the change, be the change in yourself, lead by example, lead yourself.
No more need be said. #faithOVERfear