I am almost reserved to the fact that I will always be kinda tired these days.
I guess my body was always going to go through a significant change when I moved out of home and began doing these new things, but for the most part things are holding up really well indeed and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve done a lot physically in the last 3 months, things have been so busy and your always out doing something, so there isn’t much down time. Physically I feel challenged but comfortable, mentally I feel quite sound and still as determined as ever, and emotionally I am holding up ok, although I do have my moments of complete and utter frustration with everything. Like everybody I get a little grumpy at the world some days, it all feels too unfair to fight against, but just like it has for the past 22 years and still now today, various little inspirations and odd discussions with those closest to me put me back on the right track and ready to keep on going again.
I never ever owned up to it publicly, but in many ways losing my virginity was perhaps THE biggest moment of my life in terms of the share impact it had on my physical state. When you have the physical capability of an infant, you are vulnerable, and no more so than when you are doing intimate stuff like that for the very first time. It was amazing, but terrifying, and I mean terrifying. I was scared that in sex too I wouldn’t be able to “be like everyone else”. It was such an unknown question and when it was finally answered, and with the weight off my back that brought me, my physical limitations feel like they have eased somewhat, and while it could all be in my head, physically I now feel more confident than ever.
It is still really hard to maintain energy and focus for long periods of time, but that’s always been so.
I’ve always believed that this disability isn’t tough at all, it is a test of your will as a human being and the disability should only be labelled a bad thing if it effects you in a bad way. It never effected me in a bad way, at least not in my mind. It is the body which lets you down, not your drive or passion for life.
The schedule at Wintec is tough, very tough in fact, but so far my body is keeping up with it alright. I am sure it is just as much of a challenge for the others as it is for me, a lot of them have jobs do go to after class.
At least I can come home and sleep for a bit if I need too!
So yeah. Overall I am pretty happy with where I am at in terms of my health. It could be a whole worse than it is, that is a fact and I feel very lucky to be doing as well as I am. I still need to work on my mental and emotional toughness, I do let things get to me more than they should, but that is just a part of it all I guess, like everything there are always little things to work on as you go. As long as the self belief is there, you should be rolling.
I am thankful, or try to be thankful for what I have now, rather than what I don’t have yesterday, today, or tomorrow.
That is all there is to say right now. For the time being, things are good. I can take that.